you are my heaven....maybe not so much...

you may not know this; yet you may.

But; i'm in love with you.

No, not some little kiddie crush you used to get when you thought someone was cute;

but; love actual, true, love.

I know you don't feel the same way,

but; so badly i wish you did.

The more you talk to me;

the more i talk to you.

The more you tell me all about how you feel.

all about everything;; how you've grown up;;

how you live, how you lived.

Everythingggggg.!!!!!

makes me want to tell you everything,

how much i care about you;

how much you mean to me.

The thought of you with someone else,

kills me.

I hate it.

I wish so terribly that i could tell you everything.

but; i know i can't.

Hell, i can't tell a sole,

just this page and myself.

No one else knows who i am;

or who i'm talking about.

Nothing else really matters to me right now;

but tellin you everything about my feelings.

and how much i honestly am in love with you.

i know i'm not yer age,

i'm 3 years younger.

yer life is just starting;

my childhood is just now ending.

God, how badly i wish i was older.

i wish i was old enough that we could get married and leave,

leave all this,

and start a life of out own.

But; that'll never happen.

You say that we'll get married jokingly,

all the time.

And you laugh; so do i.

But; to be honest;

that thought that you may not be the one that i marry;

TEARS me apart.

just kills me.

i wish that everthing was different,

that i was older.

and everything was different.

But;l wishes don't come true.

atleast not for me;

my wishes are like standing in the desert;

wishing for rain;

it'll never happen;

they'll never come true ever.

i could only be so lucky as to ever have something remotely good/plesant

heppen to me.

but there is nothing i can do about it.

The only few things i want right now;

is for everthing to just get a little bit easier,

and to have you.!

I love you....

(sorry, i don't have the guts to tell you this yet,

i hope when i do; its not to late)

soo..

right now,

everything is going really well,

everything is just going the way i plan.

my friends are still here,

and they've been letting me know that they are,

and i'm extremerly grateful.

i love you guys.

and i love my life.

i can't wait for the show tonight,

and the show decemeber 12th,

its a closed show,

invitation only.

abide in me,

though she wrote,

and others. :)

sooo excited.

already have my invite. :))))

i knoww...

what i'm learning from all of this,

and thats strength,

the strength to hold on,

the strength to carry on,

the strength to move on.

But does that lesson apply to strength,

or apply to weakening me,

just to show me that i HAVE to be strong.?

Everything is changing,

in my little world of hopes and dreams,

that'll probably NEVER come true.

Everything i've worked so hard to acheieve,

doesn't seem as relevent.

Everything i've done,

everything that i've become isn't what i wanted for myself.

I've changed,

And its all because of what you've done.

What i've done.

The little miniscule things that manage to tear,

every hope of normality from my hands.

Everything is changing.

Everything, just everything....

alonee..

For some reason, sometimes, i feel so alone in this world, like i'm the only one here. No one else exists, sometimes its one of those feelings you get, when you feel like absolutely no one understands you, not one single person, not one bit of understanding. No one gets you, or no one cares to take the time out to get you, just that nasty gut feeling that sometimes takes days to disolve. I get that feeling often. And it kills, does anyone no the remedy to my left alone feeling.?

just wanna let goo...

The aches and pains now have re-arisen. The feeling that yer heart is in yer stomach, the feeling of that terrible pain that never leaves. The thought of the feelings i brought you, and myself. Hatetred i'm sure is what you feel towards me, and i don't blame you, i feel the same towards myself. I ruined this, i wanted to keep the same feelings we had but with different intentions. But i blew it. I'm sorry. Now is the time for me to fall apart and break away the pieces to my life puzzle that remind me of this terrible mistake i've made. Although it was only for your sake, you were what i meant to save. You don't feel as though thats what i intended. I love You, and even though i sit here shuddering, and trembling about something so miniscule yet enlarged by the fact that you feel so strongly about me, just kills, i'm going to move on, not with another, but as though the fact will never cross my mind again, the fact that i hurt you deeply. i love you. and i'm sorry.